


Bad Day

by Persephone Rose (Likemycoffee)



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Dealing with disability, M/M, Partially Deaf Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-15
Updated: 2020-02-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:08:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22744531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Likemycoffee/pseuds/Persephone%20Rose
Summary: ‘Being partially deaf...’ Ben began to explain, ‘its not just... it’s not fixed by wearing the hearing aid.‘Ben has a Bad Day with his ears and Callum realises he’s struggling.Written for a Tumblr prompt I received a while ago about Ben’s general day to day living with his hearing aid.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 7
Kudos: 184





	Bad Day

Ben knew that it was going to be a Bad Day when he woke up to the sound of ringing that was nothing to do with his alarm clock. He let out a groan of frustration and rubbed at his ears. There was a popping noise inside his head and the ringing got louder, the pitch varying slightly every few seconds, higher and lower. 

‘Fuck,’ he sighed and rolled over, reaching for his glasses on the bedside table. He jumped when he felt Callum’s hand touch his arm and he turned to look at his boyfriend. 

‘Sorry,’ Callum said. ‘I asked if you were ok?’ 

‘Fine babe,’ Ben forced himself to smile. He didn’t want Callum to worry about him. ‘Sorry, I haven’t got my hearing aid in.’

‘S’alright,’ Callum replied, shifting and sitting up slightly. ‘Do you want a cup of tea?’ 

‘I’ll make it,’ Ben said. ‘You just stay there and look gorgeous.’

Callum grinned. ‘Sweet talker.’

Ben smiled and got out of bed. He went first to the bathroom, slipping his hearing aid into his ear as he went. The ringing noise was at a constant pitch now and it was accompanied by an occasional crackling as Ben moved his head from side to side. When he’d finished in the bathroom, Ben walked downstairs to find Lola and Lexi sitting at the breakfast table, Lexi was in the middle of eating her bowl of cereal.

‘Daddy!’ she smiled happily at him. ‘Are you still going to take me to the park today?’

Her voice sounded muffled, more muffled than usual and Ben found it difficult to understand what she had said. 

‘What was that baby?’ he asked, turning his head to the left and focusing on Lexi’s lips to try and help him make sense of what his daughter was asking him. 

‘I said can we still go to the park today?’

‘Of course we can Princess,’ he told her. ‘I promised didn’t I?’

He went into the kitchen and flicked the kettle on. As it began to boil, the hum of the kettle mingled with the ringing noise in his ears. It was grating. Ben tried to ignore it. As he reached into the cupboard for two mugs to make tea for himself and Callum, he was aware of Lola coming into the kitchen behind him but he didn’t turn towards her and so he missed the fact that she was speaking to him until she was almost finished speaking.

‘Ben, have you got your some cash on you?’ she asked. ‘I was going to go into town and get them clothes for Lexi.’

‘You what?’ Ben asked. ‘Sorry I didn’t hear you.’

‘That’s right, selective hearing isn’t it?’ Lola teased. ‘Every time I ask you for some money. Jay’s just the same.’

Ben forced himself to smile; to laugh at himself. It was easier. ‘Yeah. Um... what do you need money for?’

‘Lexi’s clothes,’ Lola replied, frowning. ‘I showed you what I wanted to get for her last week. Are you alright?’

‘Fine,’ Ben said. ‘My wallet’s in my coat. Just take my credit card, yeah? Get whatever she needs.’ He finished making the tea and carried the two cups back upstairs. 

He already felt exhausted, but he didn’t want Callum to see it. His boyfriend had never seen a Bad Day before and Ben wasn’t sure he was ready for him to see it. Bad Days made him feel vulnerable and weak. He didn’t want Callum to think he was either of those things. He didn’t want Callum to look at him with pity in his eyes. 

Callum was sitting up in bed looking at his phone when Ben entered the bedroom and passed him his tea. 

‘Thanks,’ Callum said as Ben slipped back underneath the duvet, leaning against the headboard, with a sigh. 

‘You alright?’ Callum asked. 

‘Yeah,’ Ben sighed. 

‘You want to try the truth this time?’

Ben shook his head. ‘I’m fine, babe. Just tired.’

‘Well it’s Saturday. You can have a lie in.’

‘Fat chance. It’s my weekend with Lexi remember? She wants to go to the park.’

‘We can take her to the park this afternoon,’ Callum told him. ‘I don’t mind keeping her amused this morning if you want to chill for a bit.’

‘It’s alright, honestly babe,’ Ben insisted. While the idea of taking a few hours to relax sounded really appealing, it wasn’t fair to just dump Lexi on Callum. She wasn’t Callum’s responsibility, however much he might love her. 

‘Fine,’ Callum said, drinking his tea. ‘Do you want some company at the park at least?’

‘Of course,’ Ben replied with a smile. 

‘I’m going to have a quick shower,’ Callum said. Under normal circumstances, Ben would’ve made a comment about joining him, but these weren’t normal circumstances. When no comment was forthcoming, Callum looked at him with concern. ‘Are you sure you’re alright?’

‘Yeah,’ Ben replied. ‘Promise.’

‘Alright then,’ Callum said not sounding convinced, but not pressing the issue either. He pulled on Ben’s dressing gown, grabbing a towel as he left the bedroom. 

Ben sighed and reached for his phone, opening up iTunes and scrolled through his playlists until he found the one he was looking for, his white noise playlist. He put his earphones in, pressed play and the sound of birdsong filled his ears. He closed his eyes and took some deep breaths, trying to clear his mind. 

Ten minutes later, when Callum came back into the bedroom, Ben pulled his earphones out, the ringing had quietened a little, not much but it was better than nothing. 

‘You weren’t watching porn were you?’ Callum asked, jokingly as Ben fumbled with his phone. ‘Don’t stop on my account.’

‘It’s not porn,’ Ben replied. ‘Just listening to some music.’

‘You can leave it on if you want.’

‘Nah, need to get ready to take Lexi out don’t I?’ Ben replied and he walked out of the bathroom to take his own shower. Missing Callum’s concerned look. 

***

The park was just as bad as Ben thought it would be. When they arrived Lexi immediately ran off to play on the swings while Ben and Callum leaned against the railings watching her. 

Callum was talking and Ben was trying to concentrate on what he was saying, but the ringing in his ears had come back with a vengeance since leaving the house and there was so much background noise - at least a dozen kids screaming and shouting as they ran around the park, not to mention all the parents and the dogs barking. 

Ben positioned himself to Callum’s left to try and make it easier to hear him but he was still having trouble following the conversation. He couldn’t lip read and watch Lexi at the same time; and Callum was watching Lexi too so he wasn’t facing Ben even if he had been trying to lip read. 

A couple of times Callum said something that Ben just couldn’t for the life of him make sense of, even when he asked him to repeat it, so Ben employed his usual tactic of smiling and saying ‘yeah,’ hoping that was the right response. The smile on Callum’s face told him that it was. 

When they walked back to the Square, Ben automatically turned left, heading towards the house. 

‘Ben?’ Callum said confused. ‘I thought we were going to the cafe?’

‘Oh right,’ Ben replied, his brain suddenly realising what Callum must have been saying to him at the park, that he’d agreed to without understanding what he was being asked. ‘Yeah, sorry. I wasn’t thinking.’ 

He turned around and began walking in the other direction. He didn’t miss Callum’s worried expression. Deciding that he needed to do a better job of hiding what was going on, he turned his attention to Lexi who was skipping along the pavement as they walked. 

‘Lex, I think Nana might be working this afternoon.’

‘Yay,’ Lexi replied. ‘Nana always lets me have cake.’

‘Lunch first though,’ Ben told her. ‘Or your mum will have my guts for garters.’ 

‘Ok Daddy,’ Lexi agreed and pushed open the cafe door, Ben and Callum entered behind her. 

‘Alright mum,’ Ben greeted Kathy with a smile. ‘Can we get two teas and a chocolate milkshake please?’ 

‘Of course Love,’ Kathy replied. ‘Take a seat. I’ll bring them over.’

‘Thanks.’ Ben moved to grab a table near the window at the back of the cafe. As he sat down, there was a pop inside his right ear and just for a moment, everything around him sounded so loud and clear, he could hear his mum up at the counter, taking another order; he could hear the radio; he could hear the couple three tables over arguing about who’s turn it was to pay the bill and then as quickly as it had come, there was a crackling noise and everything went quiet again. His mum’s voice was replaced by a loud rushing noise, like the wind inside his head. He grimaced. Then he noticed Callum noticing his expression and immediately he forced himself to smile and he turned to his daughter.

‘What do you want for lunch, Lex?’ Ben asked her.

‘Sausage and chips,’ Lexi replied. 

‘Er - sausage and chips what?’ Ben corrected her. 

‘Please,’ Lexi grinned at him. 

‘That’s better. What do you want babe?’ he asked Callum who was still watching him closely. 

‘I’ll have a bacon sarnie please,’ Callum said after a moment’s pause. 

Ben got the feeling Callum was going to say something else but then Kathy approached their table with their drinks and Ben ordered their food and the moment had passed. 

As they ate their meals, Lexi chattered away. She was sitting opposite him and so it was easier for Ben to focus on her lips and follow what she was talking about. The trouble was it was just so exhausting. He could feel a headache building behind his eyes. He subconsciously rubbed his temple. 

‘Lexi,’ Callum said. ‘Why don’t you go and choose a piece of cake, yeah? Ask Nana to help you.’

‘Ok,’ Lexi grinned and got up from her chair, walking towards the counter.

‘What’s wrong, Ben?’ Callum asked. ‘And don’t say nothing because you’ve been weird all day.’

‘I’m fine,’ Ben insisted. ‘I told you. I’m just tired.’

‘Are you feeling ill?’ Callum asked. ‘We can go back to yours if you want, or to mine. I’ve told you I’ll help out with Lexi. I don’t mind.’

Ben looked at Callum and he saw the earnestness in his expression. He knew Callum was genuinely worried about him, but Lexi was coming back from the counter with her cake and Ben wasn’t going to have this conversation in front of her. 

‘Later yeah?’ Ben said to his boyfriend. 

‘Ben...’

‘I promise I’ll tell you,’ Ben insisted. ‘Just not now alright?’

‘Ok,’ Callum agreed. ‘But later.’

***

When they got back to the house, it was still empty. Lola not having returned from her shopping trip yet. Lexi went upstairs to play in her room, while Callum pottered around the kitchen making them both a cup of tea. Ben sat on the sofa, bracing himself for the inevitable conversation and when Callum came into the lounge, Ben knew he couldn’t put it off any longer. 

‘Are you going to tell me what’s going on now?’ Callum asked, as he sat down beside Ben. 

‘Yeah,’ Ben sighed. 

Callum waited. He was watching Ben closely, like he was afraid of what he was going to hear. Ben folded his arms in front of himself protectively. 

‘I’m having a Bad Day,’ Ben said quietly and when Callum frowned, he continued, ‘its what I call it... since I was a kid it’s what I call it when my ears are bad.’

‘What do you mean?’ Callum’s voice was soft and Ben had to strain to hear him. He turned himself to face Callum so he could read his lips more easily. 

‘Being partially deaf...’ Ben began to explain, ‘its not just... it’s not fixed by wearing the hearing aid. I mean that definitely helps but it’s not... my ears were damaged, you see, by the meningitis. Sometimes I have days when I struggle, even with my hearing aid. It’s like everything gets mixed up, especially when there’s background noise I can’t focus on a conversation. It’s hard to pick out just one voice in the crowd. It’s exhausting,’ Ben sighed. ‘And it’s not just that I can’t hear very well. I get tinnitus...’ he trailed off looking at Callum’s eyes, he was listening intently but to Ben’s relief, he saw no trace of pity in his expression. ‘It’s there all the time,’ he continued. ‘It’s like a constant ringing noise nobody else can hear or a rushing... like you’re driving really fast with the car window open.’

‘All the time?’ Callum asked. 

Ben nodded. ‘Usually I can ignore it, but on a Bad Day it’s really loud and it kind of takes over and it makes it even harder to concentrate on what people are saying.’

‘So that’s what’s been happening today?’ Callum said. 

‘Yeah,’ Ben replied. 

‘I’m sorry,’ Callum said. 

‘I don’t want you to feel sorry for me, Cal.’

‘I don’t,’ Callum replied. ‘I don’t mean it like that. I just... I never really thought much about what it must be like. I should’ve. You’ve been struggling. I should’ve realised.’

‘I didn’t want you to know.’

‘Has it always been like that?’

‘Used to be worse,’ Ben replied. ‘When I was a kid... my ears used to pop a lot and it used to hurt and the noise kept me awake at night. Sometimes my mum would have to bring me to sleep in her bed and she’d sing to me to distract me from the noise... It’s not that bad anymore. I can cope with it. It’s just... listening is so exhausting.’

Callum reached out and took Ben’s hand in his. 

‘Female voices are hardest,’ Ben continued. ‘And Lexi... my Audiologist says it’s because of the pitch. I don’t know, but I hate how hard it is.’ 

‘Is there anything that helps?’ Callum asked. ‘With a Bad Day?’

Ben shrugged. ‘Just time really. Being in quieter environments helps. People speaking clearly; facing me when they’re talking so I can lip read... I have a playlist on my phone of white noise that helps with the tinnitus, drowns it out for a while.’

‘That’s what you were doing this morning,’ Callum realised. ‘Listening to your playlist.’

‘Yeah.’

‘You know you’re an idiot right?’ Callum told him. ‘You should’ve just told me, Ben.’

‘Didn’t want you to think I was weak.’

‘You ain’t weak,’ Callum replied. ‘You’re so strong, Ben. But you can’t be strong all the time. I’m your boyfriend. Let me help you.’

Ben nodded. ‘I will. I promise.’ He leaned in a kissed Callum softly. 

‘Do you want me to stay tonight?’ Callum asked, bringing his hand up to run through Ben’s hair. 

‘Please,’ Ben replied. ‘I always want you to stay.’

‘Ok,’ Callum said. ‘But you’re taking time out ok? You’re going to go and listen to your playlist and do whatever you need to do to feel better.’

‘Alright,’ Ben agreed. 

Ben went upstairs and grabbed his headphones, settling back on the sofa, leaning back against Callum’s chest as Callum’s arms wrapped around him. Ben turned his white noise playlist up as loud as he could stand and closed his eyes, relaxing as he felt Callum’s hand stroking his hair. 

This morning he’d wanted nothing more than to hide away under his duvet until the Bad Day passed and he felt like himself again. He hated having to deal with the Bad Days, but now, as he lay in Callum’s arms he realised that he didn’t have to deal with them alone, not anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> So this is quite a personal fic as it’s based on my own experiences of living with reduced hearing. I might do a sequel if people like it.


End file.
